Valebat 2015: First (Proper) Job!

Hey there! I haven't been writing blogposts in a while because I've been occupied by my first job as a cashier at a bookstore near my house. Currently, I'm not in the best place but I'm trying my best to stay positive. I started this job on last Tuesday, which means today is my 6th day working there. I've had several short jobs before, well they were actually work-experience sorta job that lasted for a day which I volunteered for twice last year. Those jobs were amazing, I was in charge of promoting brain-stimulating toys at Hamley's and BORDERS and I absolutely loved both jobs. This time, I feel like the job really isn't something that I should be doing.

When I applied for the job, I didn't actually plan on working as a cashier, but that was what the interviewer assigned me to so I just, well, agreed to it since I thought it would be a nice new thing to experience. First day, there were so many things that I had to remember from the beginning of the day till the end. By the way, incase you were wondering, I work 6 days/week (no holiday & pay for the first week of work), 10am to 9.30pm. So the first day was pretty hectic, I was quite blur but I managed. Second day however was crazier. Their original cashier (Kak Tasha) was on leave and I was left alone with one of the managers/boss (Kak Tijah) (I still have no idea) to handle the cashiers. It went well in the beginning since we don't get that many customers anyway, but halfway through the day I messed up real bad by missing out on a few discounts on a customer's purchase, plus they were using credit card to pay so that made it even worse. The other manager/boss (Jason) who I, at that time, have yet to talk to, was pretty upset and that scared me a lot. I was trying my best to love my job and learn to get used to everything but that mistake made me extremely anxious and now I get a little bit nervous whenever a customer decides to pay using methods other than cash. At the end of the night the managers were still talking about it and at one point I just couldn't take the guilt anymore and I sorta cried. How mature of me. I felt extremely bad because I really didn't mean to do anything wrong and cause trouble for both the managers and the customer, but I did and there really was nothing I could do about it. Before it was time for us to go home, Jason was attempting to cheer me up by making jokes and reading random quotes off a children's motivation book. I guess that worked for a while.

Today is the 6th day and again another money-related problem surfaced. I'm not going to into details on what happened, but let's just say no one knows whose fault it really was and being the new guy and the one who's prone to making mistakes, I couldn't help but think it was mine and let's just say I don't feel good about it all. It could've been someone else's fault but I just cannot help but think that I am responsible for it. Here's the thing, I've never liked jobs that requires me to deal with people's money. This is quite ironic since I was the head treasurer of my high school's prefects' board as well as the treasurer for my sports house last year. These two posts weren't such a big deal, there wasn't much transactions involved, plus the money wasn't going in and out continuously so there wasn't much room for mistakes anyway. But being a cashier means there's a very high possibility that you can either give less or give more money to the customers and cause trouble for the company. And I don't feel bad because I will get scolded or I might have to be responsible for the loss, but I feel bad because these people, no matter the company nor the customers, are losing money because of my carelessness and I hate that. I hate being in a situation like that. I don't mind doing jobs that requires a lot of my physical energy like keeping records or checking stocks or labelling products, I really don't. In fact I've been doing these things for the past 6 days despite my position being the cashier of the store. But I really hope that once the new staffs come in (tomorrow hopefully), I'll be able to request to change my position in the store and stop being responsible of all the transactions going in and out of the store. This kind of environment gives me so much anxiety and I get so stressed out even though to some it might not even be a big deal. Plus, the store that I'm working has so many promotions and the cashiers are supposed to manually add up the discounts, which means we have to make sure that all different kinds of discounts have been given to the customer for each product. I'm not sure if I'm making much sense right now since I am writing out of frustration. Basically, the job as the cashier of the store sucks a lot and I really don't like it. At all.

Don't get me wrong, the people working there - Jason, Kak Tasha, Kiki, Zaza, Wawa, Afiq, Syabil and Kak Tijah are all incredibly sweet and welcoming people that I am comfortable around, but the vibe around the cashier area just isn't healthy for me. Jason, Kak Tasha and Kiki are among the sweetest people I've known, despite the fact that Kiki, Zaza and Wawa can't really speak in English nor Malay. I love the place, I really do, but being the cashier just kills the mood for me. I really hope that by this week I'll be able to switch to another position, so that I can turn the negative hate into love. I'm not gonna lie, before this whenever someone says they hate their job, I automatically feel like they should really try to love their job and embrace the challenges instead of looking at them as something that they should avoid. But now, I understand that sometimes it can be really hard, and if you feel like the job isn't healthy for your wellbeing, do try to change it. I feel quite disappointed in myself for failing to love my first job, but I really cannot take the stress. I've been thinking about quitting immediately/earlier than planned but somehow I feel like I should keep on trying and not give up so soon. I'm pretty sure I sound really weak right now, but I think if you were like me and spent almost 6 months doing absolutely nothing and starting a job that requires so much of your mental energy, you would be just as exhausted and upset as I currently am. Hopefully in a few days things will feel better, and I will keep you updated when things don't feel as bad as they do now.

I apologise for the post that's slightly on the negative side, but this past week has been crazy stressful for me and I didn't really have shoulder to cry on nor someone to rant at (I don't really want to shower my friends with negativity right now), but I hope it has been an interesting read and let me know how your first job was! ♡

Update (25/5/2015): 
So I talked to Kak Tijah earlier today about switching my position from cashier to general worker or anything OTHER than cashier, and she was pretty reluctant and she made a deal with me instead. If by next week I still feel like cashier just isn't the job for me, then I'll get to change it. Since two new girls came in today, Kak Tasha spent the day passing down informations to the older girl - Kak Shida, so I spent the day checking stocks, and only stayed at the cashiers when needed. I have to say that I feel much relaxed after work today, even though checking stocks isn't an easy job either, but it definitely causes very little stress compared to being a cashier. So far, I'm liking this whole "part-time" cashier thing going on. Let's see how I'll be able to take it for the next few days! ^^

-am-

Lone Adventurer vs Lonely Traveller

Hello friends. Today's post isn't about a review or anything like that, just something that I thought of earlier today. If you know me in real life, you would know that I'm the type of person who don't have a ton of friends, just a few that I am really close with, and I spend a lot of my time going out alone or just with one or two friends. Most of the times when I'm outside walking around in the city I am usually alone. But there's just something that people need to remember about those like me; even though we choose to spend time on our own, it doesn't necessarily mean that we are alone or that we are in need of company but have a hard time finding it.

Being alone does not equal to being lonely or being unhappy due to the lack of company. I've always loved going to KL to just walk around and enjoy the vibe and scenery of the city, very rarely do I go out because I have a specific reason to. Somehow doing this without anyone else I know with me helps me keep myself calm. Often when I spend a few weeks or days at home accompanying my mother, I tend to reach this point where I get really stressed out and feel so suffocated when I'm not able to go out and just have a day to myself. Sometimes company is what gives me stress, and yet without company I am able to feel free and content with my life.

There has been a few occasions where my friends (those who don't know me that well) ask me why don't I have a boyfriend, why do I always wander off alone and why am I always so quiet when I'm around my many friends. Here's the thing; I am not one who agrees to commitment very easily, and I am not one to choose to hangout with a large group of people that I don't know very well. I find that committing to something that can't provide you with any assurance or benefits is worth my time. I'm not a fan of making small talks; I get really worn out trying to find the energy to find things to talk about, which often causes me to be the one left out during events that involve a lot of people. Don't get me wrong though, I am 85% committed to the few close friends that I have. These people including my family are people that I am willing to cross oceans for, even if sometimes they don't bother doing the same for me. I am willing to make effort for these people, because they matter to me and I've invested too much of time in them to stop now anyway. They know me so well, which makes it so easy for me to talk to them, because they will understand and for me, it's worth the effort. Basically what I'm trying to say is that if you're one of my good friends, you can expect that I will do anything to make sure you're okay; but if we're just "friends", you'd probably think that I'm antisocial and have no interest in people other than myself.

I always have so much fun whenever I go on adventures alone. The thrill itself is pretty exciting, and when I'm alone I am able to make many spontaneous decisions and I get to do whatever I feel like doing. I don't have to discuss where I should have lunch, what time should I leave whatsoever. I don't have to keep up with people who would rather walk slowly and be late for something instead of walking fast and be early. I don't feel terrible or sad when I'm alone, I just somehow have managed to adapt to the absence of company and learn to have fun instead. But at the same time I do enjoy my close friends' presence just as much. I have fun both when I'm alone as well as when I have my close friends around. So when do I feel uncomfortable and have the urge to leave? When there's just too much people around me at a time and I don't know them enough to have a conversation that's actually important to both parties. I'm cool with meeting new people, but sometimes it gets a bit tough for me to mix around. I'm not against hanging out with a lot of people, I just find it a little less comfortable than the other two options. 

My thoughts on people who often complain about being lonely (most probably because they're used to having company) is that get used to it, bruh. There's absolutely nothing bad about spending sometime with yourself, in fact you might even be able to focus more on yourself and find out amazing things about yourself that were probably hidden away while you were focusing so much of your time on other people and their lives. Look at the chance of spending time alone as an opportunity to discover your potentials and your love for things that you never got a chance to look at while you were busy submerging yourself in the ocean of company. 

I'm sorry at how random this post is, I just suddenly remembered how happy I was today when I finally had the chance to take a walk in the city on my own after being stuck at home with my mum for a long time due to several reasons. Yesterday I was on the verge of breaking down, luckily my friends Bella and Illah invited me out for lunch and I felt so much better after being able to breathe in some "city air". The ability to appreciate the beauty of the city is what I live for, and I am extremely grateful for having friends that always manage to help me escape from my own misery when I need it the most. I may be a lone adventurer, always out and about on my own, but I am definitely not a lonely traveller that craves company and attention. Also here's something that you should know, going adventuring alone often leads to other adventurers to come and say hi to you :)

I hope this post has been a good read, I'd love to know what your opinions are regarding this matter! Thank you for reading and see you soon :) xx

-am- 

TV Shows & Loyalty

Hey there! I just finished watching Supernatural's Season 10 Episode 22, and I felt like writing a post solely about it, but I thought this would be a great opportunity for me to express my love for TV shows.

I started keeping up with several TV series when I first got into secondary school, since I only started downloading and watching movies/tv shows online around that time. I started with Merlin, which I first watched a few of the episodes on TV, then kept up with the episodes online. I became obsessed with Bradley James, the hunk who played King Arthur and I even received laminated pictures of him as birthday presents from my friends. The show ended in 2012, the year I sat for an important exams called PMR. I knew that King Arthur will die in the last episode, and since the ending was released around the time of PMR, I decided to wait and watch the series finale during 2013's New Year, and I couldn't. I was terrified of having to watch him die. When I finally watched it around February or so, I was devastated. I've never experienced death of anyone close to me, but that particular death, even though it was the death of a fictional character, made me feel the way I would feel if someone I loved were to die. And unfortunately this isn't the only show that made me feel that way. I sticked around until the end of the show, and I feel like even if they had extended the show and made it a bit longer, I would still watch it till the end. I also had to watch Bradley's character in iZombie, Lowell, die in a heart-wrenching scene and that wasn't enjoyable either.

The second show that I watched was Supernatural, but I'm going to talk about that later and move on to the third show which is Doctor Who. I started watching this show when I as 14, when I started becoming friends with Alia who flew from UK and she gave me all the past and (at that moment) current seasons of the show. The thing about Doctor Who is that instead of experiencing deaths, its more about the regeneration of the Doctors, where the old actor is replaced by a new one while the character still being the same. I wasn't really affected when Nine regenerated into Ten, since he only played the Doctor for a year and he was more of a fun character and there was no emotional attachment of him to the show other than the short romance with Rose Tyler. I loved Ten (played by David Tennant) as the Doctor. I thought he was amazing, I loved his personality as the Doctor, and when he regenerated into Eleven I was so devastated and mad. At that time I thought I would never be able to love Eleven (played by Matt Smith) as the Doctor but I ended up loving him just as much as I loved Ten, maybe a tad bit less than that. When Eleven regenerated into Twelve I bawled so hard. I just felt like he deserved more seasons. Even though I loved Ten when he was the Doctor, but when he returned on the show for the 50th anniversary, I thought Eleven suited the character more. Maybe that's how I will feel if Eleven were to return on the show, or maybe not. I think Twelve is great, but I guess I just loved it more when Ten and Eleven were on the show. What I'm trying to say is, David and Matt leaving the show hurt just as much as how it would if your best friend for many years were to move away and you will never be able to reconnect and be as close as you were when he or she were near to you. 

Now, let's talk about Supernatural, the most frustrating show ever. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I decided to stop watching the show but failed. Dean and Sam have died so many times in the show so I'm just going to mention the deaths that really affected me. In the early seasons of the show, the deaths weren't too bad, the boys had one mission and the rest were just hiccups and challenges that they had to face. John's death was emotional, but it didn't hurt too much, and the others were just part of the storyline. But let's not forget Sam dying in Dean's arms in season 2. That was.. terrible. When Sam came back from hell after being in the cage with Lucifer and Michael, that was pretty upsetting and I felt so sad for Sam that he had to deal with all that, but season 8's ending really made me pissed. I cried so hard because Sam was hurt and I was so annoyed at the whole angel plot. And then we have Kevin's death, which was pretty friggin awful, because 1. he died in Sam's hands 2. Dean was so guilty about the whole thing I felt so sorry for him :( And then the best death ever, when Dean died in Sam's arms during season 9's finale. Do you need to watch how emotional it was because here's the link you're welcome. Sam's tears got me tearing up in my own bloody room, that scene hurt so BAD its indescribable. And then you have Dean turning into a demon in the same freaking episode I mean excuse me?? I love demon!Dean by the way but that scene was just too horrible to digest. Now season 10, we have our beloved Charlie being punched and beaten up by Dean, thanks to the awesome Mark of Cain, and better yet, Charlie died trying to fix his mess a few episodes later. I'm not going to lie I had tears running down my cheeks when she died, because I simply couldn't handle Sam and Dean's expressions. There's just something about Sam almost-crying-face that makes it unbearable for me to watch. And finally, season 10 episode 22 (for now). Dean showing off his Cain side again by slaughtering the whole Stein's family (the family who killed Charlie); Sam trying to kill Crowley who is FAMILY by the way, but the ending of the episode literally gave me a panic attack (seriously). Dean beating up Castiel, that was hard to watch, but when Dean almost wanting to stab Cas to death using Cas' own angel blade; the cinematography and his expressions, that gave me a heart attack. I thought he really did kill Castiel, but thank goodness he didn't. That ending got me really good, and I am not happy about it. I am 150% positive that next week's season finale is going to get me so upset and frustrated that I will plan to stop watching the show but ending up watching it till the end. 

I know I included loyalty into the title, and here's what I have to say about it. Despite all these deaths of my favourite characters who I have emotional attachment to, I still choose to watch these shows until the end and experience the pain over and over again. I'm going to be honest, it can be pretty stressful watching these shows, especially Supernatural, since I have been watching these characters throughout my whole teenage years. I have given up on most of it so many times but I always find myself going back to the same shows and rarely do I choose to find a new one to watch. I wonder if this is loyalty or if I just refuse to get attached to even more characters just to watch them die a few seasons into the series. I would never agree to the idea of CW cancelling Supernatural, but at the same time sometimes the deaths are just a bit too much for me to handle.

Let me know what TV shows you guys like to watch, and if you like the TV shows that I've mentioned above, hit me up! Maybe we can spend sometime releasing our frustration regarding the non-stop deaths of such important characters :p

ps: I do watch some other shows, but these have caused emotional pain for me much more than the rest. also, I have to admit I do get a bit too into these shows sometimes, but I guess I can't really help it now that I've watched them for almost six years

- am -

Valebat April 2015: Pulau Langkawi

Another month, another adventure! If you've read my post regarding the TWCS presentation interview, you'd know that I took a flight to Langkawi on the 23rd of April 2015. This is my second time there this year/ever, and I took a few pictures that I didn't manage to get during my first trip there. I brought my Instax Mini8 camera this time, and had to buy some films and batteries in Langkawi since I completely forgotten that I had emptied my camera the last time I used it. It also conveniently stopped working when I was snapping a picture of the sunset at one of the beaches, and died right before the whole film was printed out, but I managed to save the film and the camera (fun fact: my previous instax camera broke because of the same reason, and I had to buy an exact same camera to replace it). I also took a few pictures on my dad's really old Lumix camera. Anyway, check out the pictures I took right below!

Took this while we were waiting from our flight @ KLIA

From left: My sister, my nephew and my mother

Before takeoff: I was in my formal attire throughout the whole journey there, since I went to the airport right after my interview @ Taylor's Lakeside Campus

Duck Tour @ Oriental Village

Crocodile Cave; part of our charter tour from Kilim Geopark

Eagle sighting; part of the charter tour as well

On our way to a beach during the charter tour as well

Stopped by to take pictures on the way back

From left: Brother IL, mother, myself, sister and lil' nephew :)

I have yet to scan the polaroid pictures, will upload them once I get back from my next adventure; Cambodia! xx

ps. sorry for the really late post, been busy for the past few days :(

-am-

What Do You Want to Do In The Future?

Today I was asked a very cliché question by my brother: Adik nak buat apa nanti? (as in what do I want to do as a career) and my answer was that I just want to be wealthy. At this moment I realised that I honestly don't have any idea what kind of job I would like to do for the rest of my life. I spent hours after that (over)thinking about it, until I found a proper answer to that question. I want to be a creator. 

I know I've decided that I want to study architecture in university, but I can never really imagine myself as an architect. Its as if that title doesn't sound right to me. I don't want to be a product designer or a graphic designer either, even though my past activities make it seem as if I'm more suited to those careers. I guess this is why I can't decide on what to be in the future. Because all I really want is to be a creative and versatile person, able to adapt to all sorts of jobs and situation. I don't wish to be an architect and be stuck to only designing buildings, and I don't want to be a graphic designer and lose the chance to learn the knowledge of architecture, I want to be able to create different things in order to solve different problems, and being able to encounter different forms of challenges, not just in one particular department.  And I think 'creator' is the perfect name for this 'career' I wish to have in the future. 

I've always think of myself as a 'jack of all trades, master of none' as I am capable and interested in doing all sorts of things, but am never committed to investing my time in one particular skill or activity. I'm good at a lot of things, but never exemplary at any of it. I've always been able to achieve grades that are good enough to prevent me from getting into trouble, and good enough at sports to be able to compete in one but never good enough to win, good enough to get my designs used in school but never good enough to get a decent pay for them... I just have a habit of dipping my toes into many kinds of things just to know how to do them, but never to master them. And I personally don't think that's a bad thing. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes you can't find the exact job that defines what you would like to do in the future, or what dreams you would like to achieve, but I'm pretty sure in the end or somewhere along the journey of living, you will figure it out and you will be able to do whatever you desire. Whatever it is that you end up doing, try to enjoy it and you will find happiness in it, as they all say - fake it till you make it.

That's the brain spill I have for today, I hope it has been a good read and let me know what you think about the importance figuring out your future career at 18! See ya :)

ps: what I meant by saying I want to be wealthy: I want to be able to not only have sufficient money to be able to avoid any kind of financial problems, but also to be able to have extra money that I can use to increase joy and happiness in my life.

- am -