H O M E

I never liked going back home.

Back in high school, going home would mean receiving long lectures from my mother, having to deal with my brother getting angry at every little thing that I do, getting ignored or laughed at whenever I'm telling my family how my day was, having to say a temporary goodbye to my friends at school and many more. Nothing was ever right at home during high school, the moment I reached home was also the moment I felt the need to leave. Even when I was on holiday I would try my best to find ways not having to stay home. I guess you could say home was my least favourite part at that time.

I am now currently studying in a university, where I only get to go home once or twice every six months, and I still don't favour going home. It is a different feeling, though. During my first semester, I didn't want to go home for the same reasons as in high school, but now that I am in my second semester, it's a whole different vibe. I still don't wanna go home, not because I hated it, but because I can't help but feel sad when I'm here. When I enter the house, the smell is no longer familiar, not sure if it is because I'm no longer used to it or things are now just... different. I start thinking about how I no longer get to drink the tea my mum makes everyday like I did the past 9 years, or how the bottles that were always empty are now all full because I'm no longer here to drink all the water and forgetting to refill them, or how there was always food on the table because my mum had to cook all the time to feed hungry me.. Every time I return, I am reminded of how fast time is passing by, how things will no longer be the way they were previously, how sooner or later I will no longer get to drink the tea my mum makes, ever. 

Not going home doesn't mean not feeling horrible at school either. High school was a mess for me, with all the silly drama going on, I mean, it is high school after all, all those things were predicted. But still, I guess going to school would hurt a little less than going home, and whenever I had the chance, I would go out and spend time on my own without any care. Now, I live in a hostel right in front of my faculty with no car, I'm pretty much stuck with very little options to destress. I cried very little during my first semester because I was having so much fun, but this semester... I spoke way too much of my family and cried way too often remembering home. Emotions is a horrible thing to deal with; although I am extremely thankful for having such a patient roommate - Elina who I don't give enough credits to.

I've always distanced myself from home for as long as I can remember, beginning with not liking the environment and as I grew up, the reason is that I refuse to get too attached to the memories to avoid getting hurt when all of this will be gone, and I think the side effect is starting to fall upon me. I think homesickness has finally caught up on me and I don't like how it's affecting me. There's no in between, its either I'm drowning in my own sadness thinking of my family; or I literally don't feel anything about them at all. Sometimes it feels as if the latter is a better option, its one where I feel less painful and get less distracted. But I guess it won't be so easy to kill of my emotions. 

I hope I can stay strong for the next few years of my life. I have to. I still have a long journey to overcome and emotions will only slow down my momentum. I sound really cliche and stuck up but lets be real, I really am an emotional wreck so lets take the safe route, shall we? 

I apologise for the rather weepy post, hope to be more positive in the next one! ^^

-am-